I am NOT Mary Jane Pt. 3

One of my Facebook friends recently posted the following status:
Is it just me or does this bother anybody else? The 2 most popular, black female characters on TV, "Scandal" and "Being Mary Jane," are both young, attractive, intelligent, successful women and are having affairs with married men.

If you read my last post (and, hopefully, you did), you found that I considered myself to be somewhat of a hypocrite. Here's why. I love Scandal but despise Being Mary Jane. Nonsensical, right?  I started writing the first "I am NOT Mary Jane" post and at that moment, I realized my hate for the main character, Mary Jane, and my praise of Scandal's Olivia Pope. The problem lies in the fact that they are one and the same. They're both mistresses, sidechicks, and homewreckers who pretty much flaunt their relationships in the faces of the wives of the married men that they're doing.

My problem with Mary Jane lies in what she represents to the young women in my culture. She represents limits. No matter how beautiful or successful you may be, as a black woman, you don't get your own piece of the American dream in terms of marriage. There's a limit and we must share. This limit decreases our self worth and makes us devalue ourselves. You can't participate in a three way relationship and love yourself wholeheartedly. And that is the image that Mary Jane portrays, and that is the image that I can't endorse for our young girls. Hell, even our older women. That is why I despise the phrase, "I am Mary Jane." It translates to "I am low self-esteem" and "I am a woman who does not know her worth." If you knew your worth, you would know that you deserve your own in this world. You would know that sharing is reserved for recipes or pieces of clothing with your close girlfriend, not men. 

So why do I love Scandal so much? There's no one more accomplished than Olivia Pope. She has her own firm in which she fixes the lives of some if the most important people in the world, including the Leader of the Free World. Problem is she's also doing him. Before I started writing these "I am NOT Mary Jane posts," I saw nothing wrong with Ms. Pope's affair with the President because I believed in their love. I felt both were in love and he just couldn't get out of his situation. With Mary Jane, I felt that she was just the mistress and her guy was playing her. Now that I've given thought to both situations, I realize they're one in the same. Olivia shares, therefore she doesn't value herself 100%. It's hard for me to say that because everyone knows she is one tough cookie. However, she's not too tough to demand respect from her lover who treats her as a booty call in some episodes and walk away from this detrimental relationship. Remember that episode where the President treated her like his whore in that closet when he was mad at her? Ouch. 

I found this meme on the web. Encompasses this whole post.

I'm a much bigger hypocrite than I thought. Why? Because I faithfully tune in to Love and Hip Hop (and all other ratchet shows, such as Basketball Wives and Real Housewives of Atlanta). It should really be titled "I Have Low Self-Esteem and Hip Hop." What this show represents to our culture is horrendous. Our expectation of life becomes three-way relationships, throwing bottles (or the closest item you can get your hands on) and fighting as a means to conflict resolution, and no thoughts given to what our current actions mean to the future. This is leading to a whole other post.....

Bottom line, I am NOT Mary Jane nor am I Olivia Pope. I am NOT these Love and Hip Hop women either. I know my worth. I know my value. I love myself. I'm going to do what I can to make sure that other young women realize their power as well.

I am NOT Mary Jane! Pt. 2

You will get to where you’re supposed to be if you do the work. - Mary Jane Paul

Those are words to live by, but not in the context that she meant. In the words of Kevin Hart, "Let me explain."

I must admit that I don't watch "Being Mary Jane." Why? It's a combination of things. 1. I am not a fan of Gabrielle Union nor her non-acting skills. 2. I don't like what Mary Jane, her character, stands for. She is not only sleeping with a married man (more about my hypocrisy in I am NOT Mary Jane Pt. 3), but she is bothering the wife with the details. Second place is okay with her as evidenced by a speech she delivered to a group of young girls. Here's the speech:

"You know I had this great little sisterhood speech all prepared, but I seem to have left it in my purse at the table. I don’t want to talk about sisterhood, today. I know there’s a lot of professional women here, but I want to speak to the younger girls. You guys signed up for this mentorship program because you want to be successful. You want to be your mentors! You know everybody tells you: ‘Do your best so you can be number one!- But there’s another position…You know I’ve found that being number two (glances over at the wife) gives you all the glory of being at the top without all the pressures of the number one spot. See, the job of any great number two is to figure what the number one is missing, what they refused to see and what they are doing wrong. So, you know take your time, learn, be patient, get better. You will get to where you’re supposed to be if you do the work. Because remember, if you don’t somebody else will. I'm Mary Jane Paul and thank you for listening."

What??!?!! Did you really just tell these girls that it’s okay to settle for #2, even if it’s just temporary? And while you’re referring to that #2 in the business or job context, you’re really saying that it is okay to be someone’s sidepiece, someone’s mistress, as you side eye the wife of your married boo because she is in the audience listening to this crock of bull. What writer thought this up? What executive producer said, “Yes, this is a great idea. Let’s run with it!”

I can’t endorse a show that blatantly sends the message that it is okay to share a man. More than that, I can’t get with a show that shows a successful, beautiful black woman telling our young ladies, our future, that it is okay to be #2. Who has ever been runner up in a contest and said, “Yay?!” As a matter of fact, most of the contests that I’ve seen on TV, the runner up usually gets not airtime because everyone is so focused on #1. Who lives for that? No one.

Let me share something with you, I didn’t watch the episode. I haven’t watched since the first episode. But my twitter timeline was on fire as those that I follow were virtually high-fiving Mary Jane for putting the wife in her place as she sat there at that luncheon. The big deal here is the message that was being conveyed to the young ones just to put a win in the column of the side piece who keeps digging at a hurt WIFE.

No, #2 is not okay. EVER. The goal in life is to have your own. If it is not readily available at the moment, then you either wait for it or you work for it (as a #1, not a #2 in waiting). Work for it in Mary Jane’s situation means to let go of Le Loser, i.e. the married man, and put herself out there to meet Mr. Right. It’s hard out there, but it’d be worth it to not have to deal with the agony she lives with everyday as she continues sleeping with a man who can’t/won’t fully commit himself to her.

 

I am NOT Mary Jane!

My ex-boyfriend recently told me that when he went to college, an HBCU, the males were told that there were 17 females on campus for every 1 male. They were basically told to have their cake and eat it, too. And before you ask, yes, he ate his cake as well. One man was with two or three women was okay. That's what I see reflected in everyday life.

 

BET recently started a campaign geared around it's new hit show, "Being Mary Jane." Viewers are asked to send in videos where they state that they are Mary Jane and why. I've seen some say, "I am Mary Jane because my love life is complicated" and others say, "I am Mary Jane because I like sex." If you didn't know, Mary Jane is a successful newscaster and breadwinner of her family but loves a man whom she recently found out to be married. When she found out, she went through the common stages of grief: anger, hurt and so on. I am led to believe that she is living in the stage of acceptance. She's still with the married man. So now I must answer the question, why am I Mary Jane?

Well, I am NOT Mary Jane. Why? I don't like to share. I want my own man. My life is successful in all other areas, and I have the same expectations in my love life. I don't mind being by myself. Of course, I'd rather enjoy the finer things in life with a partner, but I value myself too much to be considered someone's side piece or play second fiddle to anyone when I know I deserve the best as well as my own. I love me and no one, no man for that matter, will diminish the love that I have for myself by making me share.

Don't get me wrong, I have been Mary Jane before. I have been the side chick, or mistress, depending upon which world you live in. When I was younger, all I wanted was love, love from a man. When I thought that I had found this love with a man who just so happened to have come packaged with a wife, I accepted him and his wife. Why? Because some time was better than no time, right? Because having a piece of his heart was better than not having anything, right? Because getting a "Good morning" text was better than not, right? Wrong. 

As I gotten older, I've come to realize that I deserve better. I have something to offer to someone that's not only valuable, but also one of a kind. And I deserve the same thing. Someone to offer me something that belongs only to me and no one else. I don't have to share because I wouldn't piece out my own love to more than one person. I'm better than that and I deserve better than that, simply put. 

Mary Jane can keep her part-time lover. She can continue to exchange digs with the wife. She can continue living a frustrated, secretive, addictive lifestyle. I choose better. I choose the best that life can give me. I am NOT Mary Jane.

What Does Shameka Really Mean?

The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge: Day 10

Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

**I never completed the Single Woman Blog Challenge since going on this unexpected hiatus. I will complete it starting where I left off... 

So I googled the meaning of Shameka, and this is what I found. Randomly known fact: Shameka was most popular in the year 1980. Makes sense as I was born in 1980. Anywho, I won't get into just how rude and insensitive urbandictionary.com is in regard to the meaning of my name. I won't even share their definition. I then found this site www.kabalarians.com that lists the meaning of my name as (I've added my thoughts to each point):

• The name of Shameka creates a very quiet, practical nature and a clever and inventive mind.  - Yes, very practical and inventive
   
• Being analytical and naturally studious, you are interested in a factual understanding of the mysteries of life. - Black and white, no time for gray
   
• Your methodical nature requires that you like to finish what you start without interruptions and also to have everything in its place and properly organized. - ummmm....I'm too ADD to finish what I start
   
• An ability to concentrate could take you into computer programming or accountancy or any work requiring concentration and attention to detail. - Again, what does concentrate mean because I have no idea how to do it, lol
   
• You have, also, a flair for creative expression with your hands. - with my hands? I doodle and that's about it
   
• You take life seriously and can be easily and deeply hurt and go into moods which can be quite extreme at times, causing much turmoil and unhappiness. - This can't be any more true! My heart is worn on my sleeve.
   
• Finding it difficult to join in conversation with those with whom you are not well-acquainted, you could feel quite alone and uncommunicative with new acquaintances or in a large crowd. - Yep
   
• As a result, you could be accused of being unfriendly. - How did you know?! People always read me incorrectly at first
   
• You desire so much to be understood, but your name has limited your verbal expression to such an extent that it is very difficult for you to divulge your innermost thoughts even to those closest to you. - LOL!
   
• One of your greatest salvations is being out in nature, for it is there that you find the peace and serenity you so much desire. - Not sure if I believe you on this one. I'll take indoors over outdoors at all times
   
• Physically you could suffer through tension in the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs, and also through intestinal problems, constipation, etc. - Uh oh. I do have asthma. Constipation, though?

Let me know what you think.

Made to Move

**I want to start by saying that I am so angry at myself for deleting two of the videos that coincide with this blog post. Ugh! Anywho, let’s get started….

I believe that I’ve shared with you before that I am a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters of New York City. My little sister is Marily. She is a Hispanic 12-year old who has a lot of the qualities that I possess, the biggest one being that we are both shy. However, she was born and raised in Brooklyn, so she’s no punk! 

On last Saturday, I signed us up for a dance class that was to be given by two choreographers that reside here in the city. Unbeknownst to me, the two of them are big deals. The first is Alicia Graf-Mack. She is the lead dancer for Alvin Ailey. She is tall and lean and definitely has the body of a dancer. She told us that at the age of 3, she’s on video saying that she wanted to be a ballerina. She’s accomplished that dream and more. Now she’s continuing to live out her passion while helping others realize theirs. 

The other dancer is her sister, Daisha Graf. Daisha is a hip-hop dancer who has danced for Rihanna, Beyonce, Santigold, etc. She was recently signed by LA Reid to Epic Records and is now recording her first album. Her management is MBK, who managed Alicia Keys for all those years and who now manage SWV. One thing she said that stuck with me is that she continues to strive to be better than she is. 

So, Marily and I went to this dance studio for this dance class. We overheard people practicing opera pieces and playing piano. They were very talented. Our dance class began with Alicia leading us through some ballet moves (I believe that’s what they were). It wasn’t all easy and some of the moves actually hurt. I can say that it was FUN, however! After about 30 minutes, Daisha led us through some moves that she’d choreographed to her new song, “Reborn.” In my Tamar Braxton voice, “It was FUNNERS!” The littles and bigs all had fun doing these moves. Take a look at the video below of Daisha doing the moves. You can also see a big brother and a little who looks more than happy to be participating. 

During lunch, the sisters allowed questions from us about careers in the arts. The children enjoyed pizza and learned about this whole new world at the same time. What captured me the most was what took place after lunch. Everyone received a copy of the poem, “Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamson. I remember this poem from the movie, Coach Carter. Alicia informed us that Nelson Mandela had apparently used it in one of his speeches. Awesome. We were instructed to stand in a circle and each of us were to step in the circle and proudly, authoritatively read one line of the poem. Some of the littles chose to read with their bigs (how cute?). We went around the circle completely, reading the poem twice. (This was when this poem resonated with me. More to come in my next post. Stay tuned.)

Alicia then instructed us that we do the same thing again, except this time she was going to dance to the lyrics. No, we weren’t singing the lyrics, nor rapping them. We were merely speaking them. HER DANCE WAS MOER THAN AMAZING! I can’t put into words her movement, but it was flawless! I actually took video, but accidentally deleted it! FML!  After we went around the circle once again, she then instructed that we would be tapped and have to come into the circle and move to the lines of the poem. Daisha started this time along with one of the little sisters that was clinging to her. I took video of that, too. IT was too cute. Again, I accidentally deleted it. L At one point the little boy next to me was chosen to come into the circle. He didn’t want to, but his big brother nudged him in and he did it. The big brother was then tapped and he followed suit. Lovely. 

I had a great time. When I initially signed us up, I thought it would just be fun to do a few moves together. I had no idea that I would walk away as inspired as I did. Actually, I think I enjoyed myself more than Marily did. Don’t get me wrong, she enjoyed herself; she was just a little too shy for that setting. 

Daisha and Alicia have started a company named D(n)A Arts Collective where they are giving back to others, inspiring them to go after their dreams. I am currently signed up to attend a vision board party this upcoming weekend. Way to keep the inspiration flowing!